I find that being a mother and a sexual being is a conundrum. By this, I mean they are a bit like oil and water – a challenging mix of roles. In our house we have these pocket doors leading into our master bedroom that were not proving to be very “private” at all, so we had special custom locks installed. My oldest daughter has figured out a “custom knock” that causes the lock to jiggle out of position, thus unlocking our door. Many times, we have experienced our kids barreling through our doors in (ah-hem) not so great moments. What do our kids need Sex Ed for anyway? Having privacy becomes almost impossible at times it seems… we need hotel rooms alone for that. Actually, we are not above escaping to hotel rooms for such purposes.
Here’s the thing, though. Sex is important. Here’s the other thing – a lot of couples exist in sexless relationships or go through sexless seasons. Kids, stressors, work, and travel away from one another are all reasons why this happens. Sometimes its other things too, like a massive “issue” that creates a chasm between you and your partner or a life circumstance that causes a drift away from one another emotionally and, in turn, physically. Life throws some pretty difficult stuff at us sometimes: a death, a job loss, financial crisis, illness, work demands, family discord... just to name a few. We have all experienced difficult times and I know you get that.
When we fall in love, there is a period of bliss or infatuation, and then comes real love – the lasting kind – and, along with it, all of the above issues. You have to work at keeping that connection. You have to protect that unique, sacred, sexual, emotional and physical connection you experience with your partner in long-term love.
Sex feeds a relationship in so many ways. It’s a connection unlike any other. Sex is a basic human need – a physical, innate drive. Sex is far more than just the physical, as we all know. It’s a deep emotional synergy, and this is what makes good sex amazing sex. When you are experiencing real, lasting, long-term love and being intimate and vulnerable, sex reinforces your bond. l did say bond, NOT bondage – but hey, whatever turns you on! Now that I brought that up, do you know what turns your partner on? Do you know what turns you on? Does your partner know? These are things we constantly need to be asking and exploring. Long-term sex grows, evolves and deepens (no pun intended).
I am going to put this out there without hesitation. Having a good sex life is a decision. Taking time away from all the other things we experience in the day-to-day to be passionate with one another is a decision. It’s easy to forget how to be with one another without the world encroaching. It takes effort. If you have forgotten what it means to be completely sexually and emotionally present with your partner you can decide to make it a priority again. In fact, you’d better - or else a piece of your relationship is dying – one that is vital and healthy, and quite honestly, deep, meaningful, and okay – fun!
You CAN be an awesome mother AND lover. I hate the word, lovah, by the way – it’s so, I don’t know – creepy. But you get my point. You can have multiple roles (and so can your partner) and you can still have an awesome sex life. You owe that to yourself and your relationship. When I run, I listen to my favorite songs. One of my favs is “Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground. Maybe because I think sex is the candy of life, but also because it has a really cool beat. This song reminds me to tap into my passion and not let life wring the passion out of our marriage. If you lost your passion mojo… revisit what used to make you passionate with one another. It’s still there waiting for you. Plug back into one another, so to say (again, no pun intended but I am finding this unavoidable). Recall what you love about your partner and tell them.
I have an admission... my husband still gives me goose bumps. I think that’s the way it should be, right? I still get this flutter inside when he looks at me a certain way or places his hand on the small of my back as we walk into a room. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Sex is life. It makes us feel alive. It’s magic to be in love with life and to share that energy between the sheets. It’s a privilege to have someone let you into their world emotionally and physically for life. It’s like being allowed into a room that is locked to others, into someone’s heart, soul and body. Well, in our house the door locks don’t always allow us that “private room”. But we never give up. We keep getting bigger, better, kid-proof locks. In fact, I think we’ll lock the bedroom door tonight and raid the kid’s candy stashes for all of our favorite kinds and take that in with us, too. We like sex and candy.