You know her. She’s really judgmental. She thinks your thighs are too big and she mocks your stretch marks. She compels you to squint into magnifying mirrors and cringes at the idea of public speaking. She thinks you suck at small talk and that you are an impatient parent. She is particularly vicious maybe a week or so before your period, and then she thinks you eat too much chocolate and need to lay off the Chardonnay. She shows up when things might not be going so great, or when someone or something has challenged you or hurt you. For some of you, she is a constant familiar and unwelcome companion that you have grown accustomed to yet oddly embrace like an abusive lover. Do you recognize her? Her name is Ms. Insecurity. She can be a ruthless part of your life in so many ways – but only if you allow her to be. She can destroy you and your relationship in one fell swoop, or in a gradual and painful slow burn.
The funny thing is that we’re in complete control of her. She depends on us to feed her … and her favorite meal is power. We give her our insecurities of life with our thoughts, even though this is something over which we have complete control. First, we need to know just what our insecurities are and then we can face up to them. For some of us insecurities are pervasive and debilitating and we may need therapy to understand how they came to be and how we can overcome them. For others, we have the run of the mill “issues” that crop up from time to time and we can manage them okay. Everyone has their insecurities. It’s just a matter of how much power we give to them. Interestingly, the amount of power we give them is in direct proportion to how much it will cause problems in our relationship.
Having a relationship with someone who is insecure is like having a daily battle. They don’t feel worthy of love so they continuously reject it. And, the more insecurity you have, the less open you are to receiving love and vice versa. One of the first things you should ask yourself if you find yourself in a tumultuous relationship or one that is struggling is this: “How do I feel about myself?” A relationship will reflect back to you what you project out. If you can’t love yourself, then who can?
So I’m not proposing that all of us should be free of our insecurities and supposed flaws. I still have mine. For instance, I do suck at small talk. I like big talk—real, meaningful talk. I 'll admit it’s one of my areas of insecurity and yes, some days; the mirror is not my friend. But there is one thing that I know for sure. I know I am worthy of love along with all of my insecurities, and so are you. More importantly, I know that it’s my job to not let “her” (Ms. Insecurity) get the upper hand. Really, I couldn’t imagine letting that manipulative, nasty, judgmental chick between my man and me anyway.